The Three Ps Of Self-Care: Pleasure, Passion, And Pelvic Floor With Cheryl Sloane
Pleasure, passion, and pelvic floor! The three Ps of self-care. Join Karen Pulver and her goddesses in this episode, where they talk to sexual therapist, Cheryl Sloane, who answers all your sex-ed questions and offers insights and benefits about orgasms. Learn how, by loving and enjoying our own bodies at any age, we can remain strong, empowered, and balanced. Unleash your sexual Goddess to owning your sexual strength. Take control of passion by communicating with your partner to keep intimacy alive. As Peaches’ “Talk to Me” goes, “Why don’t you talk to me…I’m standing here. I got an open ear…spit it out, rolls off your tongue, right out your pretty mouth…” Talk to your partner, and express what gives you pleasure. Dive deep into this interesting conversation that will help you find pleasure and passion at any age! Let’s have that conversation with Karen, Cheryl, and her goddesses.
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The Three Ps Of Self-Care: Pleasure, Passion, And Pelvic Floor With Cheryl Sloane
Take Time For You!
Goddesses, I have a story for you. A few years ago, I got a call from a friend of mine who lives in Berlin. She is a performer and she was putting on a show in Chicago. She’s been here before several times and I’ve seen several of her shows. She called to catch up and she said she wanted to see me and have coffee or drink. We were reminiscing about the fact that when we were younger, we used to go to Sandra Copeland Dance Studio. I was Sandy and she played Danny in a musical comedy number like You’re The One That I Want. We used to always go to each other’s houses after school and practice dance routines.
We were reminiscing about that and I made a joke. I said, “Can I be a dancer in your show?” because she has dancers. For one of her songs, she usually picks audience members to come up on stage. She said, “Yes, you can be a dancer in one of my songs.” I was driving in the car with my kids in the back when they’re younger and she’s on speakerphone. I said, “What’s my costume? I’m so excited. Am I going to wear the glitter or the feathers? What am I going to wear?” She said, “All you need is black high heels, black booty shorts and a black sexy bra.” I’m like, “That’s it? Am I going to have a fur shawl, a long gown over or something?” She’s like, “No, that’s it.”
I remember looking at my daughter who was 12 or 13 at the time. She said, “Say yes.” I said, “Okay. I was freaking scared but I’m going to do this.” When I went home, I looked for a black sexy bra, which I didn’t have at the time. I was thinking, “I can’t. I’m going to be on stage and that’s all I’m wearing?” I was freaking out, but I was going to go for this. I went to a store here in Chicago called g boutique because that’s where a friend said you have to go. They have amazing lingerie. I walked in and not only did I see amazing lingerie, but I also saw all these sex toys and boas. The girl at the store was amazing. She helped me find that sexy bra. She said, “Is this for your partner? This is exciting. You’re getting your first black sexy bra.” I said, “Actually, I’m going to be dancing in a friend’s show.” I told her who the performer was. She started to freak out because she knew and she loved this performer who was my friend. I said, “I have some extra tickets. Why don’t you come?” She and my husband came. When I got to the show, I bumped into a friend who I had no idea also love this performer. I knew three people there. Otherwise, it was filled with strangers.
My heart was beating. I went back and saw my friend. I gave her a big hug and she said, “I’m going to give you a wig.” It was long blonde hair that covered my eyes and that could barely cover my body. I felt a little better. I get led on stage, the lights go down, the song plays and I start dancing. I’m doing the mom dance like side to side. I’m sweating. I’m freaking out that people are watching me and I’m half-naked. At this point, I said, “I don’t care.” I got up with my black booty shorts and my bra. I went crazy and I had so much fun. I shook it and got down and dirty, not dirty but you know.
The reason why I’m telling you this story is because I had an orgasm on stage. I didn’t have a real orgasm. Don’t think that I had a real vaginal orgasm, but my body and mind was tingling. I was feeling alive. I was feeling like I stepped out of my box. I felt good about my body. All of those feelings of feeling insecure, who cares? People were cheering and excited. They loved seeing this performer and her name is Peaches. To me, she’s Merrill but her name is Peaches. She sings songs like Fuck the Pain Away and Diddle My Skittle. She sings raunchy fun songs.
I was led off the stage and changed into my clothes. I went up to the balcony to see my husband who was like, “That was amazing. You were having so much fun. You started off slow but then you were having fun.” The dancer that I was called is Granamal. That’s the name of the dancer. I heard these two guys said, “That Granamal was amazing.” I turned and I was like, “That was me.” He looks me up and down and he’s like, “No fucking way,” and he walked away. I was like, “I don’t care. I had fun.” I think it was a turn on for my husband. I realized that we have to do these things in life. We have to have fun and be passionate.
Getting back to g boutique, I went back to the store and I met with our guest. I asked her about hosting a Grateful Goddess gathering at her store. We had a gathering and we learned about pleasure, passion and toys. We had fun discovering our bodies, who we are, loving our self and self-care. For many years, Cheryl Sloane owned g boutique, Chicago’s most loved sex toy and lingerie boutique. Her journey to sexual wellness began at the urging of g boutique’s clients. Cheryl worked with gynecologists and therapists to learn everything she could about women’s needs throughout different stages of life. The goal was always to help women achieve sexual happiness along with her staff, which at the time was so helpful and caring to my needs.
Cheryl developed and taught sexual workshops across the nation. After closing the brick-and-mortar version of g boutique, she decided to focus on her coaching and speaking career. With the belief that pleasure is a birthright, she continues to guide women towards their full potential. Prior to g boutique, Cheryl produced and general managed theatrical productions all over Chicago. Teaching has always been in her blood. She also has taught improvisation to students 5 to 85. I took improv at The Second City too. I didn’t know we shared that in common. She also spent twelve years at The Second City and was part of the three-member team that founded The Second City Training Center. Cheryl is passionate about her work, lives a life of joyful pleasure, and knows how to incorporate humor and kindness in her teachings. She is always ready to share her journey and style with individuals and groups. Welcome to the show, Cheryl.
I never told you that story. What do you think?
I love that story. I have a collection of stories about g boutique. We have many amazing things that happened at g boutique. That story is a beautiful piece of real life that fits into why we existed and why we still exist.We need to talk about this in a public forum. Click To Tweet
Tell me a bit more about your journey because when we met and you hosted the gathering, you were at the store. I know the store has closed down but you’re still online. Tell us more about your journey and also how did you get to starting g boutique? Was this always a passion of yours?
I had a business partner and we started out by wanting to write erotica because we felt like most of the erotica weren’t attractive to women. There wasn’t a lot of good writing. There was some old stuff that was good. We would go to brunch and talk about it. We were reading erotica and you know that journey where you’re like, “Let’s do this.” Another friend of ours needed to order some sex toys for a little excursion she was having overseas. We realized that to go to a place that’s women-friendly, we had to go online or get on a plane and go to San Francisco or New York. We had this idea of, “Why doesn’t this exist in Chicago?” We decided right then and there we’re going to open a store that is friendly to women and sell sex toys. It’s a comfortable place for women to share anything they want to share about their own sexuality. I did have a passion for lingerie because I grew up with a mom who wore beautiful hemwear sets every night to bed. I thought that’s what you did when you grew up. I didn’t realize that not everybody wears a beautiful nightgown.
I wore t-shirt and shorts, very sexy.
I grew up thinking you walked around looking like Zsa Zsa Gabor. I did have a pet and I always like soft things touching my skin. I also felt like women don’t pay enough attention to what is touching their skin and how different a nice fitting bra and a nice fitting pair of underwear make you feel. It changes your day. I did have that passion. Immediately upon opening, we realized this was more than a whim and that there were women who needed to talk, help and suggestions. When I opened the store, I have to say that my partner and I both assumed that everybody was having great sex because we do. We assumed that when you have sex, you have good sex. We quickly found out that there was some help needed in those areas. It was then that it became the strongest passion I’ve ever experienced, to help women get to where they want to be in their definition of whatever pleasure is for them.
I remember going into the store and buying the bra. I’m looking around and being scared but asking like, “What’s this?” I’m feeling comfortable and safe there with no judgment at all, “What is it you’re looking for?” It felt good. The atmosphere was definitely centered towards that.
That’s what we’re most proud of. For the women that I coached, the most frequent comment I get is, “You made me realize that what I’m experiencing is normal.”
That’s what I wanted to ask you. This is many years later, if I were to be asked to go on stage now, I wouldn’t be scared of dancing in front of strangers because I feel past that, but I would be scared of literally peeing in my pants because I’ve been told that my pelvic floor is not strong. I don’t understand that. I’ve had three kids by C-section. I’ve never vaginally pushed out a child, which is where your pelvic floor is I guess, I don’t know my anatomy. I did Kegels. I’m in the car and I’m doing the Kegels. For some reason in the last couple of years, and it’s embarrassing but I’m sharing this with others because no one talks about it, there are commercials for Poise Pads or Depend but there’s no education that I could find to help strengthen your pelvic floor. My gynecologist said, “Go get therapy.” I went to a place here. I laid down and then I was given some therapy which I did not feel comfortable. I did go and buy these weighted balls called the Ami. You’re supposed to do the levels and hold it in. I’m curious, what are your thoughts on the pelvic floor?
First of all, I would say that pelvic floor therapists, for some reason, are the best-kept secret in America. There are places where you can go to a pelvic floor therapist that is an office that does pelvic floor therapy. It’s very comfortable and more like going to a massage therapist. When you get to a certain point where that incontinence is starting to happen and you’re starting to pee when you laugh, which is normal for women. Here’s the bottom line. Whether you’ve had children or not, gravity is not our friend. You have to exercise more than your Kegels. It’s your entire pelvic floor. It’s a group of muscles and you need to exercise the entire group of muscles. Even with C-section, you could have hurt some of your muscles in your abdomen, which also relates to your pelvic floor. I can’t recommend highly enough a good pelvic floor therapist. As with many things in our healthcare system, sometimes insurance doesn’t cover it and that’s a big problem. If your insurance covers it, great. If your insurance doesn’t cover it, a couple of less coffees a week and you can cover it
It’s that important because it’s not just peeing in your pants, but when I bought this toy and aid, I say toy because it says it will increase sexual pleasure, I’m like, “I just want to stop peeing when I laugh and sneeze.” Apparently the more you strengthen that area, it can enhance sexual pleasure.
The more feeling you have in your pelvic floor, the more sexual pleasure you’re going to have. The more you’re going to feel and be able to squeeze and control when you’re having sex, so definitely it will enhance pleasure. It will also prevent the progression of that disease, which can cause a lot of unnecessary surgeries and things like that. You have to talk to your doctor because you’re going to wind up having surgery no matter what. You’ve got to do what you can along the way. The most important thing, there’s an exercise program called Total Control. It’s a complete pelvic floor exercise routine for different muscle groups. The Kegel balls are great, but some people need different things. Some people have Kegel muscles that are too strong and that prevents them from exercising the other muscles.
Exercising the pelvic floor is hard work. I’m still on the first level. You’re supposed to graduate to the next levels. You’re supposed to get to that third level and be able to walk around. It’s like the Fifty Shades of Gray silver balls that she has and walks around. I can’t move. I have to lie down and practice. When I’m finished, I take it out and I walk around, it’s like I had a workout.
It’s like any other muscle in your body, but it will improve.
I know if I go see a therapist, I will look into that rather than going behind the curtain type of scenario. With a toy or an aid like this, it doesn’t say how often you’re supposed to do it.
I would say three times a week at least.
I might have to have a drink beforehand.
It’s a personal commitment. You need personal space and time to do it and be relaxed. It’s not like you can lay down on the floor and do crunches anywhere.
You have to use lube and relax. It’s a whole thing.
If you consider that time for yourself and care, you’re treating yourself well and you’re doing something for yourself, you deserve that time.
I’d like to bring on our featured goddesses now to join us in this discussion because they have questions as well.
Cheryl, I wanted to add that I had major stomach surgery after I had my third child. My stomach muscles had split 4 inches. I had that surgery and then I had incontinence issues. I remember my gynecologist said, “Are you wetting your pants?” I’m like, “I am, but doesn’t everyone?” He’s like, “No, not everyone does. We need to work on this.” His office had a pelvic floor PT group. He referred me there. I love my pelvic floor PT, we have the best conversations. She makes it like such a good experience and it can be pretty painful working on those muscles. I look forward to seeing her. She’s so good. If you find the right therapist who is an engaging, kind person, it’s worth it. All of my muscles from that surgery were pulled so taut I couldn’t even make a seal anymore. She talks about all the women that she sees and some have pain during intercourse and all these different scenarios. She’s a godsend. I love sex toys. My husband and I go to a store down the street from us. I’m always looking for new, fun, tried and true. You know it all, so I’d love to hear your thoughts.
This is what I can say about sex toys. First of all, it’s a personal decision. Going into a store is helpful, and especially now a lot of the stores have become more women-friendly. Make sure you go into a store where the people there will talk to you, will let you feel and try the toy, which is a real challenge for stores because they can’t have testers out. Every time they let you try it, they have to sanitize it.
Try it in your hand, you mean.To keep intimacy alive, you change it up, slow it down, and enjoy each other’s bodies, minds, and playfulness. Click To Tweet
They can’t have a lube out to put in your hand and try. How do you buy lube without trying it? They’re using samples instead of bottles. It’s a whole new world in that industry. The more you can talk to somebody who can help you make the right decisions for you. What I find a lot is that women will talk up to their friends and their friends will be like, “I bought this toy and I love it,” they then want to get a toy. It might be great for their friends, but it might not be what they’re looking for. Take the time and make the decision of what feels right for you. Couples toys are fun and great to have around. I also think that there are a lot of things that aren’t couples’ toys but that can be made couples’ toys.
I’ll tell you my favorite g boutique story. We sell a little vibrator with a stretchy ring around it. It’s a cock ring and it goes around the base of the guy’s penis. While you’re having intercourse, it vibrates on you. The concept is you both have an orgasm at the same time. You can also put it on your hand or your finger and use it on each other as a vibrator. It doesn’t have to be for intercourse. There’s another one which is fun because it makes your finger the vibrator.
I had this woman come into g boutique once. She wouldn’t even come in when we were open. She made an appointment with me. She came in before the store opened and she was in her 70s. She came with her sister. If you remember in g boutique, we have a little library area with a table and chairs. She sat there. She did not walk around the store. She did not go over to the toys. She didn’t look at anything. She told me what she was looking for and I brought stuff over to her. She wound up buying one of these rings that go on your finger and vibrates. I told her, “You can put it on your hand and it’ll vibrate.” I spent maybe an hour and a half with them. They bought this one little thing and they went home.
About two weeks later, the phone rings and it’s this gruff man’s voice, “Is this Cheryl?” I said, “Yes, it is.” “My wife was in there a couple of weeks ago and she bought something from you.” In my head I’m going, “You can have your money back. I didn’t mean to do anything bad. I hope you guys are happy. I gave you a free lube.” He said, “I wanted you to know you’re in my will.” These are the stories that I love. That’s my way of saying that couples’ toy can be anything that you use together. The bestselling couples’ toy is called the We-Vibe. I don’t know if you’re familiar with it but this has my little vulva pillow with me. I use this with my teenagers all the time.
Show us how this works.
The We-Vibe goes inside of you. This part sits on your G-spot, which is the little micro-scrapped flowers. It then opens up and this part sits on your clit. A lot of women have an easier time having a clitoral orgasm, which is why a lot of women don’t need a toy that goes inside of them. Some women enjoy a toy that goes inside of them. This one does well. Because it’s narrow right here, the guy can be inside you while the We-Vibe is inside of you. As he’s thrusting, this is putting pressure on your G-spot. You’re having sex, getting G-spot stimulation, and getting clitoral stimulation all at the same time. It has an app and it’s remote-controlled. That’s the bestselling couples’ toy in the world.
There are other couples’ toys though. Dame makes a toy called the Eva that sits on your clit. It doesn’t fall inside of you, but you can wear it while you’re having sex. There are lots of things. My biggest recommendation is to talk to your partner and talk to the people at the store. Think about what it is that you want. People come in and buy a rabbit vibrator that’s big and vibrates inside and outside. They will then come back and say, “I only use it outside. I never put it inside of me.” I talk to people and I do this online. I’m happy to consult people for, “Which toy should I buy?” I don’t care if you’re buying it from me or not, but buy the right toy. If you’re going to use it externally, you don’t need this. Sex toys have gotten fairly high-priced now. If you’re going to put your money into something, put it into something that is going to give you the pleasure that you want and the most pleasure that you can get.
Another new thing is air technology. This terrible name is a good toy. It’s called the Womanizer. What happens here is this fits over your clit and it has this little sucking technology in it that is air controlled. It feels more like oral sex and you can control it. It gives you an orgasm pretty fast, but it doesn’t wear you out. You can have multiple orgasms. My favorite toy, I am saving for Favorite Things. That will address all the issues we’re talking about here.
With the vulva puppet that you had, I don’t know about you guys, but in Canada and my Canadian audience will remember, we grew up with a woman named Sue Johanson. She was a doctor. Do you know Sue Johanson?
Yeah. She was on TV here.
She was the Canadian Dr. Ruth Westheimer. She would come to schools and talk to us. I remember it was in seventh grade. She said to all the girls, “Go home tonight, take a mirror, squat and take a look at yourself down there.” I don’t even know the word to describe it. I remember closing my door and doing that and it was shocking to me to look at my own body. That’s all I can say to explain it. She had a diagram and all of that to try to find where things are. I do feel though that it’s so important for women and teenage girls to know what is down there.
I’m saying that to 50-year-old and 60-year-old women, and they’re doing it for the first time. I agree with you that it is important. That’s a big difference between men and women. Men come out of the womb touching themselves and they know what pleases them because they can look at their parts and they can touch themselves and figure it out. There are some women who grow up and never even know what they look like.
It’s important to talk about self-pleasure and self-care for girls. It’s hard to believe that you’re talking to 50-year-old women about that, but you are.
Every day, and teenagers too. The big thing is that’s what teenagers want to know. When I go in to do sex ed class for teens, what they will tell me right away is, “We already know how to not get pregnant. We’ve heard that over and over again. We want to know how to enjoy sex, how it works and what to do to have pleasure.” They want to know the mechanics. They want to know about their bodies. They want to know what feels good and what doesn’t, and they want permission to find out.
Alyssa has a question. Our bodies are changing, we’re getting older and she’d like to ask a question more specific to that.
Cheryl, I wanted to ask you about menopause. I know you spent a lot of your time and your working days talking to women over 50. We spent a lot of time on this show talking about balance and ways to keep our minds, bodies and spirits in balance. When it comes to menopause, it seems like it can throw us off balance. I know that there are a bunch of symptoms where women certainly talk about all the time. The dreaded hot flashes or symptoms like that, and also things like trouble sleeping that I’ve heard about, depression, mood swings and loss of libido as well. Those are probably things that women talk about less. Can you tell us what you hear from your clients about what they’re experiencing and let us know what can we do to survive menopause?
There are many issues in menopause. I find that like the incontinence issue, the biggest thing is that women feel alone and they feel like they’re the only ones who have lost their libido and they’re the only ones having problems. One of my big things is that we need to talk about it. We need this to be a public forum. What you said and what you’re doing for women, talking about spirituality, keeping your body fit and healthy, all that is part of your libido. We also have to recognize that our sex drive changes after menopause because biologically, we’re not reproducing anymore.
Our choice becomes different. It’s about our pleasure. We don’t want to just have sex. We want to have pleasure and we need to learn how to communicate that. My other thing about menopause is that we go easy on the men during menopause because they usually think they’ve figured out who you are and how you react to things, and then everything changes and they’re lost. The conversation needs to go on and on and constantly be open to talk about, “Maybe for the last twenty years I didn’t say this, but this is what I want. This is what feels good to me.” We have to talk about this and we have to try it. We have to try new things. My biggest suggestion for menopause comes in this little bottle. First of all, you should be using lube all your life. Lube makes good sex great sex. During menopause and after menopause, you definitely need lube. I highly recommend silicone-based lubes. My favorite is Überlube. It’s also made in Chicago in Evanston.
Before the show, Cheryl put a little in her palm and she put it in her hair. I have it too and my hair is so frizzy. It totally worked on my hair. I can’t believe it’s that. You could probably put it on your skin because it’s very moisturizing and not oily.
It’s silicone and vitamin E. The vitamin E helps your skin and the silicone doesn’t absorb in your skin. It washes off with water because silicone’s molecules are too big to break through the skin barrier. That’s the reason I so highly recommend it for postmenopausal women because a little bit goes such a long way. When you try it or if you’ve tried it, you’ll see that you just put a tiny bit in your hand and it stay slippery for a long time because it doesn’t absorb. You don’t have to constantly re-apply it. When you need real lubrication, this is my go-to.
Does that work with every sex toy though if you choose to use a sex toy?
We can’t recommend a silicone lubricant with a silicone sex toy. We can only recommend water-based.Men are just as self-conscious about their bodies as women can be. Click To Tweet
Überlube is a great product. I have it as well. It’s great and a little goes a long way.
It makes a big difference and also, you can use it for massage. You can use it for foreplay. It’s not just for intercourse. It is like intimacy because what do you do to keep the intimacy alive? You change it up and try different things. You make more time for intimacy. You slow down. There’s a wonderful book called Slow Sex that I highly recommend for everyone. You slow down and enjoy each other. Enjoy each other’s bodies, each other’s minds and each other’s playfulness. Enjoy that intimacy because a lot of times at this same stage of menopause, is the same stage that you think you’re losing your libido, you’re also becoming empty-nesters. You have the time for more intimacy and more pleasure. If you can communicate enough to learn how to enjoy that, it can be the best sex of your life.
Talking about libido and couples, Dena has a question about love language and communication with your significant other, your spouse or your partner.
My husband and I did take the quiz from The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. We have different languages of love. I wondered with your therapy with couples or women, it’s hard for a lot of women to start that conversation. What do you recommend or how do you help inspire women to have that maybe first-time uncomfortable conversation with their partner?
One thing that’s a lot different with women and men is that with men, they want you to tell them exactly what you want. They are hunters. They’re focused, whereas we want to discover what people want and do things for them. It’s like with kids. We want to find out what our kids love and surprise them with it. Men want you to say, “I like flowers. Can you bring me them every week?” They will and you’ll feel good. The biggest roadblock I’ve come to with couples is when women say, “Why should I have to tell him that?” Because you do. That’s part of life. Once you get over that little threshold of, “Why do I have to tell him that?” you’ll realize the first time you tell them that they’ll say, “Thank you for telling me. I appreciate it.” They’ll do the things you like and it becomes a lot easier to tell them what you want and vice versa.
You also have to listen. Our listening has changed over time. I have this big discussion with my son about how we listen differently because you know how his generation listens and does this. Are they listening? They are only half-listening. He said, “Mom, sometimes I only hear one word of what you say.” I’m always like, “Put down the phone and listen.” He admits it and we had this big conversation about trying to listen. When we listen, talk and communicate, then we know what the other person wants. If you know what your love language is, tell them.
My husband and I did the same thing and I would appreciate acts of service from him, which is empty the dishwasher, clean up or help me move this or move that without me asking. That was what would be my love language and he scored in attention. Meaning he would like me to stop doing what I’m doing, focus and listen. It’s more about your love language. It doesn’t necessarily mean turn you on. To be honest with you, when he’s helped me in acts of service in the day or when I’ve sat and listened to him, I find that’s when we are most intimate. Cheryl, when you find out that and tell each other what it is you want, and these are daily things, it doesn’t mean I’m dancing for him a sexual dance or anything like that. It’s me sitting and listening to him. Although, he probably would like the dance too.
You can also empty the dishwasher together and be intimate while you’re doing that so you are both bending a little bit because you like him to do that for you. He wants you to listen to him every once in a while, so you can talk while you’re emptying the dishwasher.
You mentioned G-spot. I don’t know about that. There was so much hype about the G-spot, finding the G-spot, trying to find the G-spot. Where is the G-spot? Is there really a G-spot?
Yes, there is a G-spot. However, that being said, for some people, G-spot stimulation is awesome. It’s a whole different orgasm and they love it. For some people, it’s pretty much the same feeling as a clitoral orgasm. For some people, that can be painful. What do we do? We find our G-spot and then we figure out if we like it. If we do like it, we can help somebody else find it.
How do you find it? It’s like hide and seek. Where is it?
It’s about 1.5 to 2 inches into the top side. What you want to do is make a motion with your finger. It’s difficult for a lot of women anatomically to put their own hand inside of them and get pleasure from their G-spot. If you are going to buy a toy to find your G-spot, you would use something that’s tipped off.
What’s that toy called?
This is called Ella and it’s a LELO toy and it doesn’t vibrate. They make one like it that does, which is called GIGI. It’s got this flat surface because everybody’s G-spot is a little bit different. It’s not in one place on everybody. It’s off by a little bit to the right, a little bit to the left, a little bit further back, a little bit closer. This flat spot right here when inserted will find the G-spot. You want to rock back and forth gently or go in and out gently. A G-spot is a spongy tissue that covers your urethra. What happens is when you are rubbing on the G-spot, that’s going to expand because it’s thinking something’s coming to attack your urethra. It’s about protecting the urethra. When it expands like that, it puts pressure on the urethra and you feel like you have to pee.
I don’t want to feel like I have to pee again.
I know, which is why a lot of women avoid the G-spot. You feel that urge to pee, you go to the bathroom and you didn’t have to pee. You have to work through that urge, then that’s when you have the G-spot orgasm. There is a lot of hype. At g boutique, our whole thing about all that hype is to find it for yourself and see if you like it. If you like it, tell somebody else about it. If you don’t like it, let it be.
That’s the thing. It’s all about comfort level. It’s all about taking care of yourself and figuring out what you’re comfortable with and what you want to explore. When I danced on stage, that was not a sexual dance, it was an empowering dance for me. I was half-naked in front of hundreds of strangers, but it was something that I did that allowed me to feel great. That’s what we need to do and if it means touching our bodies, if that’s something that you want to do, go ahead. We’re not saying go do it, but we’re encouraging women to explore and take that mirror and take a look, find, search and see what’s down there. It’s beautiful down there. When I was younger, I thought it was the ugliest looking thing ever. I needed to get over that and realize that we’re beautiful. It’s a flower.
We’re also all individuals. Our vulvas look different. We don’t all look the same and there’s no right or wrong.
If you have a partner, talk to each other and to communicate. We talk a lot about being Grateful Goddesses and having that inner goddess or unleashing that inner goddess. Part of that is unleashing that sexual inner goddess, that passionate inner goddess and talking to your partner. If you are someone who has just divorced and let’s say you are in your 50s. You’re like, “I’ve got to get back out to the dating world.” What do you suggest for women in that area? It’s hard and I know people that are at this stage. They are looking at their bodies and they’re like, “There’s no way I can be intimate again. My body has changed.” It’s a lot of confidence-building. Is there some advice that you can give to women that are at that stage of life?
It’s a hard time right now for dating. We’re in the middle of a global pandemic that is not good for the dating scene, so that’s tough. The advice that I give women is that whatever age you are, men are as self-conscious about their bodies as women are. Men have their own set of issues over 50. It’s not just us. The most important thing I can say is don’t wait until you lose 10 pounds.
It goes for same-sex partners as well. If you’re searching for a significant other, we’re all at that stage of life where just go and do it.
Everybody needs lube. Get a good bottle of lube, go out there and try. Your body is you. I would love for women to focus on their health and not their weight, size or scars. It’s your actual health. We need to eat well and exercise. We need to be healthy.Orgasms are good for you! Click To Tweet
We live longer and look younger. We don’t need Botox. It gets better as we age. It relieves pain, helps us relax and sleep better.
It releases oxytocin. That’s the love hormone. It makes us feel better. There’s a sense of intimacy that happens in bed. If you’re living with a partner and you’re not intimate in some way, you get to define what that way is, I’m not going to define that for you. If you live with a partner and you lose that intimacy, it is affecting you, whether you want to admit it or not.
What was your question, Dena?
From the expert, what that scientific information you had was valid and true, and we all need to be having these orgasms a lot.
This is maybe a silly question, although no question is silly. Does this mean an orgasm by having sex or intercourse with your partner or does this mean even on your own? I’m asking this because when I read the study, it was saying the benefits and there are many studies about the benefits of orgasms. What if people are on their own? Do they still get the benefits of pleasuring themselves?
The orgasm is what does it.
There are two different things that we’re talking about. There are benefits to connections with other people. During COVID, people who are isolated are suffering from the lack of connection with other people. There are benefits to connecting with other people. However, when it comes to orgasm in the physical manifestations of it, it’s just orgasm is good for you whether you’re on your own or with somebody else.
However, you have that orgasm. I remember growing up in my twenties, one of my friends was telling me that she has an orgasm sexually, vaginally all the time. I thought that something must be wrong with me because I didn’t understand that. As you said, some women can and some women can’t. You’re normal. You can buy these toys or speak with your partner to try and figure out what works best for you. However it happens, it’s normal for you.
Most women don’t have orgasms through intercourse. Most women need clitoral stimulation. The thing is to communicate with your partner. Your partner wants you to have an orgasm.
It helps with intimacy for sure. You’re not going to fake it because it’s not going to help you make it.
I will say this though. I have recommended the book, Slow Sex, but it’s not always about orgasm.
That’s good to know. Why do you say that?
Because it’s about pleasure in any of its forms. Intimacy brings pleasure whether it’s with yourself or with another person. In America, we’re very goal-oriented. We think every time we have sex, we get in the bed with somebody and have sex, we have to have an orgasm. You don’t always have to have an orgasm. What you have to have is pleasure.
Men need to hear that women do not always have to have an orgasm as long as your experiencing pleasure.
Men do not always have to have an orgasm. This is a practice that you need to commit to together and learn about. This is the basis of Tantra. There are a lot more people doing a lot of research about Tantric sex, slower sex and sex without orgasm every time. Let’s say it’s harder for her to have an orgasm or it’s harder for him to have an orgasm. That doesn’t mean that you only have sex when you take your Viagra. You can have intimacy and pleasure without Viagra. Every once in a while, you can take the Viagra and have your orgasm. You can still have intimacy and pleasure without it being goal-oriented.
It’s like a back rub, a foot massage or holding hands, all of those touchpoints.
A man’s orgasm peak is like the highest peak. It goes up and a woman’s is curvy. If we’re having intimate relations with a man and we tried to take that line and make it curvy for them too. Bring them almost to pleasure and then back off a little bit, and then almost to pleasure and back off a little bit. When they finally do have that orgasm, it’s going to be a much stronger and better orgasm.
That’s something new that I’ve learned.
I think that’s what Sting did with his wife for a while.
That’s the basis of Tantra. I heard Sting’s wife interviewed once and it was the funniest interview. I don’t know if you can search it off on YouTube or something. She’s like, “Everybody thinks we spend our whole lives in bed. We wash the dishes and make breakfast too.” That’s not what it’s about.
If our audience wants to contact you, many are not in the Chicago area especially now that we’re still somewhat in quarantine, how can they reach you?Don't wait until you lose 10 pounds to date. Click To Tweet
You’re doing sessions online by Zoom or FaceTime. From her website, I wanted to read a couple of things. Cheryl works with women of all ages who want to create a life that includes sexual happiness and a healthy libido. I love this quote because it totally relates to the show. As Cheryl states, “We are so lucky to be women. We are goddesses all of us and we deserve pleasure throughout our lives.” Whether you are single or in a relationship, you deserve satisfaction. Work with Cheryl to fall in love with yourself and walk through the world with sensual passion. Thank you so much, Cheryl, for joining us. I feel like we’ve learned so much. It’s just the tip of the iceberg of so much more that we could dive into. Maybe you’ll come back. Thank you so much and have a great day.
Welcome to Favorite Things. It’s like an adult show and tell. Our Favorite Things may or may not be related to the topic. I did bring a few items because I have so much to share. We’re going to start with our featured Goddesses. We’ll start with Alyssa. What did you bring to share?
I wore my favorite thing and keeping with our topic and conversation with Cheryl. It’s a t-shirt that says, “Love.” It’s a J.Crew special that I got. It makes me feel good to put on. I thought it was great for our topic. We all need a little bit more like love and compassion these days in our lives with everything going on. That’s my favorite thing.
Dena, how about you?
Mine is this necklace. It has an A, and it has a little heart with a little stone with a K, then it’s got a star. I got the A when my first daughter was born. She’s now a teenager. I got to add to it when my second child was born. This star was a gift from my husband. I wear them every time I travel. It’s something I inherited from my mom. She brings trinkets with her whatever they are like the things that my brother and I gave her for gifts and a lot of junk. Every time I go anywhere, I put this on and we haven’t gone anywhere. I haven’t been wearing it much until now. I felt like I needed to have it close by.
Rachel, how about you?
In honor of our discussion with Cheryl, I brought a book that I love and it’s called Pussy: A Reclamation. It’s written by a woman, Mama Gena. The premise of the book is that first of all, she wants to take the word pussy and make it a mainstream word because this is our power and we’re taking it back. As women, how strong we are in the gifts that we have and what makes us special. She believes that this strength of the pussy and exercising it, we find ourselves. That’s right in our first chakra where we find balance and stability and finding that strength from there and building it. She feels that the stronger your pussy is, the stronger you are. I found this book inspirational and I kept thinking about it during our conversation. It’s strong and acknowledging it, talking about it and growing from it.
I can’t wait to get the book. The term pussy is hard to say for a lot of women. We call it all different things: vajayjay, vagina, vulva. I learned not too long ago that it’s not the vagina. It’s called the vulva. Even the word I say clitoris, you say clit. That’s a hard word to say, but it’s important to say what you’re comfortable with in describing your first chakra, which I didn’t know it was your first chakra. That’s grounding.
This is a pouch by Hi Love Travel and they come in all different sizes. I also have a purse. This love pouch is containing some pleasure toys that I do bring with me when I go on vacation, the lube and the We-Vibe vibrator, which I highly recommend as well. The funny thing though about this pouch is once we went on vacation and we were switched rooms, they said to us, “We’re switching your hotel room. We’re going to move your luggage over.” We said, “That’s great.” When we got to our new room, we got a call from downstairs and they said, “Your wife left her make-up bag. We’ll bring it to you.” I’m thinking, “My make-up bag? I have my make-up bag. I didn’t leave a make-up bag in the dorm.” The guy showed up and he’s like, “Here, ma’am. Here’s your make-up bag.” Thank God he didn’t open it. It can be disguised.
You do whatever works for you. Am I feeling vulnerable right now about telling the world that I have this and I have these items inside? Yes, I am. I’m sharing this because I feel like using these products with my spouse has definitely increased our passion. He gave me permission to talk about it because personally, it has helped us to become more in sync with loving and caring for each other. Cheryl, what is your favorite thing?
First, I have to comment on your favorite thing. This is an Überlube Travel Pack and it has the Good to Go. It looks like this glass container and there’s a little glass file that goes in it. It would fit perfectly in your little love case. I would like to point out that if you love Überlube, you’ll love our Good to Go. My favorite toy is called the Magic Banana and it doesn’t vibrate. I wanted to talk about it 3, 4 or 5 times while we were talking but I saved it for now. It’s the shape of the inside of your vagina and it’s flexible. It was invented by a Canadian yoga teacher. She invented it as a woman’s health tool for pelvic floor therapists. When you squeeze it together even if you put this much inside of you, it takes the shape of your inside. If you tilt it a little this way or a little that way, it adjusts to who you are.
After she invented it and people started using it, what they figured out was that it has this little curve to it. It’s like a little homing device to your G-spot. When you insert this, whether you rock it back and forth or pull it in and out, it’s going to massage your G-spot. Also, if you push on the sides of it, it’s like resistance training for your Kegel muscles. A lot of sex toys are shaped like a penis, it doesn’t hit the vaginal wall. This is shaped like us and because it hits the vaginal wall, it touches nerve endings that you might not have ever been touched before. It’s very stimulating to your vaginal wall. Also, when you’re doing your Kegels, it engages all of your pelvic floor muscles because it’s touching the whole vaginal wall. It’s pelvic floor health, G-spot exploration and an all-around great toy. It doesn’t vibrate. You can use it in the water. You can take it in the shower. You can use it with any kind of lube that you want. I recommend Überlube. It’s the number one employee favorite toy at g boutique.
It’s quite large to test this.
You don’t have to put the whole thing in. It’s not larger than most other sex toys.
When you think about the pelvic floor, the Ami doesn’t touch the whole. It is a smaller area. Maybe that’s good to try.
You can squeeze it and put this much in. It doesn’t matter but some people would like to put the whole thing in and it’s fun. Here’s the other thing I want to say about G-spot that I forgot to say earlier. A lot of people, when they’re doing exploration for their G-spot, they have a vibrator. They put it inside of them and they turn the vibration on. The worst thing that we can do as women when it comes to sex is to overstimulate because we can’t recover from that right away. You have to stop for fifteen minutes to recover. My recommendation is if you’re looking for the G-spot, always start without vibration. You can add some if you want it, but first no vibration. That’s another reason I like the Banana because it doesn’t vibrate. You get this on your G-spot. If you want to have an orgasm, you might want to add a little external clitoral vibration to this on your G-spot to experience a fuller orgasm but find your G-spot first without vibration.
I love it for the pelvic floor training.
That’s the intention.
If you’re reading and you’re not sure if you need pelvic floor training, the way you will discover it is if you sneeze and a little pee comes out, you need it. That is the best time to start because otherwise, it gets worse. You need to start it right away, whether it be with the Banana or going for some of the doctors that we will recommend to you if you’re in the Chicagoland area, or calling and finding out where you can get that. It’s all about taking care of yourself and your body, enjoying who you are. Finding that inner sexual goddess and releasing her, so you can feel empowered in whichever which way you find will work for you. Thank you again for joining us, Cheryl. Thank you for being vulnerable gals, guys and goddesses because it’s important for us to learn, discover, teach and supporting each other on this journey.
- g boutique
- Total Control
- Slow Sex
- The 5 Love Languages
- Pussy: A Reclamation
- https://www.JCrew.com/p/womens_category/shirts_tops/vintage-cotton-love-tshirt/AO113?color_name=white – J. Crew Love t-shirt
About Cheryl Sloane
For 17 years Cheryl owned g boutique, Chicago’s most loved sex toy & lingerie boutique. Her journey to the sexual wellness began at the urging of g boutique clients. At g, Cheryl worked with gynocologists and therapists to learn everything she could about women’s needs throughout different stages of life. The goal was always to help women achieve sexual happiness. Along with her staff, Cheryl developed and taught sexed workshops across the nation.
After closing the bricks & mortar version of g boutique, Cheryl decided to focus on her coaching & speaking career. With the belief that pleasure is a birthright, Cheryl continues to guide women towards their full potential.
Prior to g boutique Cheryl produced and general managed theatrical productions all over Chicago. Teaching has always been in her blood. Cheryl has taught improvisation to students from 5 to 85. She also spent 12 years at The Second City and was a part of the 3 member team that founded the Second City Training Center.
Cheryl is passionate about her work, lives a life of joyful pleasure and knows how to incorporate humor and kindness in her teachings. She is always ready to share her journey and style with individuals and groups.